Right now.. DAY 3 of ending events..
It was evening 6.30..
Sky is becoming thick red summing up the violence happening in my heart from last 3 days. Sun is reaching the far end very fast telling me that finally its brutality is ending. Sea breeze whirling around like a twister at the coast. There is a unforeseen force in the air indicating a hurricane in few hours. Its dead silence outside but inside my heart its a 10000 watt loud scream. some body please tell me last 3 days is a dream. No, a night ma..re. A scream came from my heart into its own.
"What is the relation between a dream and a nightmare???" my mind asked. "When a wish and a fear are exactly same, we call that dream as a nightmare" answered my heart. Yes..The burden of last 3 days nightmare life can only be relieved with the balm of today's dream death. last 3 days my life is just like a worst movie. I sat through it when god is burning every beautiful part of it with my own hands. I sucked every second so far, watching it. Now, i want to walk out early from the world movie hall and brush aside the god saying 'you can not fire me now. You already burned my soul. I QUIT'. Yes yes..I am committing suicide.
"What is suicide?" so curious my mind is, it could not stop asking questions.
'When a hope and a life becomes exactly opposite, an action committed by life to move further from hope is
called suicide' so much patience my heart has, for answering every damn stupid question of my mind from last 3 days. My legs started walking on the sand that is burning on my bare legs like thousand of pins pushing inside its skin. Still my bare legs has bare power to move one more step with each move. I know they are using all the last power like a dim bulb giving light at its last seconds. I entered into the guest house at the beach and watching a snake in that dim bulb light. Snake moving slowly and opened its mouth reaching its tail viciously.I rubbed my eyes to remove that dimness from the glare. Then i saw ceiling with a thread hanging from it, which is ready to fit my head into it.
I slowly closed my eyes. Now, Its getting darker than outside.
'At least write some thing now.. even if it is a suicide note' my mind warning me.. my heart seconded it by screaming more louder than its own.
I started writing a note 'It took me a 34 years long time and most of the world, to learn what i know about the good and bad and the choices make, but the worst of it came to me in an impulse, while...'
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just 2 days back.......... DAY 1 of unending events
It was morning 6.30.
I was sitting on the flat pitch that just became wet by the sea waves, facing towards sea . It's breeze is fresh like a drop of water on the petal of rose. I always like to come here every day and watch the sun rising from the perfect green sea. This Sea is sensory deprivation tank for my soul. 'Anand Anand' my wife nivedita is laughing on my 5 year old kid, rounding on him swiftly and taking him into her hands from the sea waves. She is playing like a kid hitting foot ball slowly towards his small legs. The fresh air mixing with their two beautiful smiles made my breath more sweeter in the morning. It could become a scenery in my bed room with that sweet scent. They are definitely the most beautiful things happened in my life. Looking over them playing like kids at the sea shore makes me happiest at any moment and i can not count those moments in my life. I worked hard for 24 years in college to make my life success to count this 'very' moment. Happy job in ITC imports and exports, a beautiful kid, one more supporting 'KID' and this small beautiful village near sea shore. What more i need than these little 'cute' things to live happily?
'What is happiness?' i moved my eyes from my wife to my friend prabhakar raising my thumb finger. He often comes to a morning walk over the beach. He is one of my 'different' friends.
'Happiness is a myth that is invented to make us buy things' he is looking blank at the sunrise which is making its way on top of our head with the quizzical look that just now passed into my eyes. I was mesmerised by it, bewildered, and strangely ashamed to ask that question to him. He has impassive face but there is no mistaking the emotion in his eyes. It was cold , naked, incomprehensible hatred towards something. Though an extreme pessimist, he has a remarkable natural talent that made him successful manager at ITC. As usual, his intense ideas are giving impact on my happiness. Every time i do want to argue with him on this kind of topic to change his mind. But, he is hard to listen any thing and some times comes back so strong that changes me to admit with him. So, sensing the difficulty in talking with him at that time, i moved slowly toward my small 'tiny cute' family. Weaving his hands towards anand, prabhakar left the place in his car.
while my legs moving towards my family, my eyes moved towards my wife nivedita. Her still young face, with its prominent cheekbones, softly flared nose, and very full rosy lips, looked as if it had been carved in volcanic stone by the rush of river. Her hair was braided into a multitude of long, fine, beaded plaits and those plaits are going against gravity, playing with breeze. She is still laughing and playing with anand. Their teeth gleamed large and perfectly white. I am still smelling their beautiful sweet laugh. I just realized that I am walking on the air looking at them.
I was the happiest man in this world.
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Same Day
It was evening 6.30.
I have completed all the work in the office and came to guest house to discuss the future course of action with prabhakar on improving tobacco exports to London. "Sea is always beautiful" I said to govind looking from window, listening to soft ilayaraja music 'Alalu Alalu Egasi Egasi Alasi solasi poye'. 'And Sea always smells bad' Govind added to my comments. I was perplexed listening to prabhakar voice from govind. He was born in a very poor family, but completed X class and got a temporary job as a office boy in the guest house. He learned english from prabhakar and now i think, probably, a bit of his thinking too.
'Prerana Prerana' I listened to a young man shout. I looked towards sea from the window. A young couple playing with each other. He put his arms around her neck and taken her back towards his chest. He said some thing in her ears and smiled. Both are laughing out loud which is clear till to the room. 'May be a new couple' govind said in simple terms. Our village island is having beautiful lonely sea shore. So, lot of young couples often comes here. it can be said as a unofficial honeymoon place, scrupulously ignored by otherwise efficient officers of AP tourism department. I am still looking into their child plays. Suddenly it is becoming darker with clouds getting closer. May be dark jealous clouds coming to trouble over those happy couple in the near time.
'Where is prabhakar sir?' i asked govind and at the same time picking up the phone. Its already dead. It happens here as it is very seclusive place in the village and even small hurricane hits all the telephone poles down. Mobiles are always 'out of coverage area'. 'I am here buddy' said govind with a smile, coming just at the moment from the entrance. Buddy is his favorite word learned from his indo-american MBA friends. 'I think today we will know more darker truths inside us' he added pointing his finger to the sky, He was laughing loudly with the same simple blank look at the drifting, flapping, curling sheets of rain while putting his wet shoes into the shoe rack at the side of entrance gate.
'Govind.. make two coffee' i ordered looking at that unpleasant weather. It was never like this in the monsoon from the day i came here. prabhakar flopped into a chair beside me and started discussing the plans.. we started taking coffee and went in deep thoughts with past year charts. Suddenly, we listened to the thumping pound on the door. All our eyes stopped to stare on the young man at the door. 'Hi!! I am sudheer' he said deftly giving a hand shake to prabhakar. Prabhakar large, brown eyes were studying the stranger with curiosity or doubt or may be both. He is a tall man, may be 24 odd years old, with the handsome face and bouffant hairstyle of a Telugu movie star. He looked like a gentleman on the first look. 'Sorry!! Its heavily raining outside. I hope i am not disturbing you'. Looking into my eyes, confirming his point, he added 'we are from sakineti palli, 150 KM from here on the other side of godavari. We came here to visit the durga temple at the balaram pet' stared showing his wife on his back side at the door step. She is really a beautiful girl. She was slender, with black, shoulder-length hair, and pale skin. Although, she wasn't tall, her square shoulders and straight-backed posture, with both feet planted firmly part, gave her a quietly determined physical presence. She was wearing a cotton chudidar, black low-heeled shoes. She also wore a shawl backwards, with the double mane of the liquid fabric twirling and fluttering at her back. All her clothes were in different shades of white, which became completely wet in the rain. She is shivering a little bit. Looking at us, she moved little to the the back side of the young man.
'Suddenly my bike got into troubles. Its very cold outside. So, if you could permit us, we would to like to come inside' his hands are giving all actions showing his bike, wife and request while his infectitious smile moving into our hearts. 'What you do sudheer in sakineti palli?' prabhakar started his police questions. 'I am working in TBK plastics as a assistant manager. She is prerana.. my fiancee' said giving little stress to letters pre-ra-na '..and we are going to marry in next month'. 'Are you lovers?' next doubt came from prabhakar. While, young Boy was giving a 'No' expression from his face., She is giving a pinch at the back of the young boy right hand with a cute smile. It was not out of sight for all of us. 'Its okay' i stopped prabhakar after our introductions 'Go to that room' showed the left side room from the door step. 'Govind!! give them towels.. you can take rest here' i offered. Young man gave a gentle smile with thanks in his eyes. They quietly entered into that room. Govind gave them towels and also hot coffee. They became fresh in another half-an-hour.
Even our room is far from that room, we can listen to their conversation. We became curious and started listening to conversation at the other side of the door after our work.
'So, What is the most important thing you need from your husband me? pre-ra-na' he is showing himself with his hand.
'I want to be like a baby in your hands and you should be like a boy and we should always play like kids' she has given a cute smile putting her three fingers from right hand on her left hand parallelly moving her head 3 times up and down.
'ohh..that's good opinion madam. I am glad to hear that.' he clapped ' So, what you have liked in me?' There is curiosity in his mind to know the things from his fiancee.
'You are a very good listener. And that's dangerous, because its hard to resist a freaky tweaky like me. Being listened to- really being listened to-is the second best thing in this world and that too for a girl' Cute smile continued...
'Then, what is first best thing in this world??' young boy asked the question that just framed first time in my mind. Probably prabhakar's and govind's too..
'You still don't know... That is already present between us.. It's love.. and being loved for a girl is always best thing for her.. tube light ha ha' I was happy listening to it remembering the air walk i had in the morning. Nivedita and Anand pictures already moving in my mind.
'I don't agree to it. Power is best thing in this world' Prabhakar blushed her aside in a harsh voice cutting our quietness in the young people conversation. Even we listen to their voice, our voice will not reach to that room as we have windows in this room.
'Oh is it?' I asked, laughing.'What about sex?' i know this guy sees a worst rate movie 10 times just because of a swimming pool scene of the heroine.
'No. Apart from the biology, sex is all about power. That's why it's such a rush and hush hush' I laughed again 'So, what about love?'
'You all wrong' he said with terse finality.'love is the opposite of power. That's why i fear it so much.' He said asking govind to bring 2 beer bottles from the fridge in the corner and taking glasses from the ground below the table.
'I think its commitment to your soul is best thing in this world.' nivedita came into my mind and framed those words ' What you say govind.I think i don't have to ask you?' finally i asked Govind knowing his ideas while he moving towards fridge 'You got me right sir. Money is the best thing in this world' he suggested lazily 'and we both be right sir..' showing his hand towards prabhakar 'Every sane and rational person one day realizes that money is almost every thing. Its the money that keeps us going towards power and the lack of it drives under the great wheel.. that's why i don't like my parents..'
'You do not understand what i am talking about, don't you? Real power. The power to make men shine like stars and crush the women to dust' his hands going into top as always when he becomes expressive into the arguments. Now i got the reason why prabhakar so negative in every thing.
'So whats second best thing?' i cut the argument as i know prabhakar doesn't agree to others.
'Freedom'
'Freedom from what?' govind asked opening the fridge which increased the light in the room and curiousity in my mind for the prabhakar answer. 'Freedom to say NO. Freedom to say No to this question. If you have got that much freedom, you really don't need any thing' he laughed gently for the first time. i am almost amused to his reply. We all laughed out loud again as beer arrived in govind hands...
Discussion is still going in the far end.
'I am happy to know that a crazy girl is loving and marrying me' i listened to the young boy voice coming from long end when govind poured beer into the glasses.
'ha ha..Craziness is the basis for creation of every fine relationship sir' husky voice replied.
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Just 1 day back ... Day 2 of unending events..
It was evening 6.30..
'How could you do that? Are you really a human? Did you do that worst thing what govind told to the villagers?? Bhaskar, I am asking you only. Tell me its a lie please' Nivedita crying on me putting her hands around my cheeks and searching the truth in my eyes.
'I don't know..I really don't know' screams coming from my heart and mouth at the same time. But it was much louder from the heart.
'What does that mean bhaskar?' she is shouting. Now, Her hands left my cheek alone. her eyes bewildered with my answer. Her large eye brows reaching centre of her fore-head. A cute child i have seen in last 7 years is shouting and becoming like a crazy maniac.
'Craziness is basis of every fine relationship sir' husky voice whirling around my mind like a twister. 'Craziness is also basis to end every fine relationship' my heart is telling to my mind.
'I don't know.. I really don't know. i CANT do it.. Oh god... i am very sorry niv... oh god.. please leave me alone..please leave me alone gaaa..gaaa..' Some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. And some feelings are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you. And that soul is just in front of me listening to my shame from my own mouth now. Oh god!!! please help me.... 'please tell me this is all dream' my mind said.. 'no a night mare' my heart screamed into its own..
And it was all there, in her lovely face,. in my soul's face. The beautiful curvy lines, high on her cheeks, now became dams to keep the tears flowing like a river from her eyes. Determination stiffening the defiant thrust of her chin. The monstrous and pitiable silent understanding between us that no 'cute' happiness exists later is moving away with monsoon showers showing the path for sooner or later of sorrowing and death.
'I am leaving now' She closed her fist and blasted empty air as hard as she can. I closed my eyes and blasted my abundant tears as hard as i can. 'Niv.. please leave anand at least' i know what she is going to do.. i am seeing in her red determined eyes into the unending sea.
'Pleeaaa..se leave us you bastard.. you dirty dog...you crazy miscreant..Don't you understand what you have done' i haven't seen her like that even in my wildest dreams after our marriage . My legs moved two steps backwards reluctantly admitting that i lost in this death game. 'I can not help' my hands said to my mind which is loosing its sensation. 'pleeeee...see nivv.......gaa...gaaa' sound ended at my nose and then flown into my tears.
'What are tears?' my mind asked. 'When happiness or sorrowing reaches their extreme.. the sensations which comes from eyes are called tears' reply came from the salty heart.
How could i do this? i never know.. May be i haven't. I need to know the truth before i go to the police station.
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Today Morning ... Day 3 of ending events..
It was morning 6.30..
I was watching the waves at sea. It's breeze is still fresh like a drop of water on the tongue of snake. Yes! this sea is sensory deprivation tank for my soul. 'Anand Anand' my wife nivedita dead body is still laughing on my 5 year old kid, floating on the dead sea.. There is no sense of pain, no regret or shame. She do not have no feelings of guilt or grief, no depression, and no desire. Her every atom entered into a sleeping universe. Insensible stillness and peace dispersed her fear and my suffering. Thoughts drifted like ocean weeds and vanished in the distant, grey somnolent, unperceieved and indeterminable waves. There'd been no funeral for anand because no body found for villagers, to bury. His body is disappeared in the night as completely as a flared, exhausted star.
At first, when we truely love some one, our greatest fear is that the loved one will stop loving us. What we should really fear about thier death infront of your eyes. It crushes your breath from your chest. Your heart drowns in a sorrow where it never ends. No laughter.. and no sleep. What ever the reason, you will feel dishearteningly alone in this world.
Now I lost my soul. I LOST MY SOUL. This sea has already taken 4 souls in 4 directions in last 2 days.
'Nivedita.... please come back.. i haven't done any..' no soul is there to do the crying.
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Just 2 days back.... Day 1 of unending events..
'I think today we will know more darker truths inside us'
It was night 9.30..
'So whats second best thing?' i cut the arguement as i know prabhakar doesn't agree to others.
'Freedom'
'Freedom from what?' govind asked opening the fridge which increasd the light in the room.
'Freedom to say NO. Freedom to say No to this question. If you have got that much freedom, you really dont need any thing' he laughed gently for the first time. i am almost amused to his reply. We all laughed out loud again as Beer arrived in govind hands...
Discussion is still going in the far end.
'I am happy to know that a crazy girl is loving and marrying me' i listened to the young boy voice coming from long end when govind poured beer into the glasses.
'ha ha..Craziness is the basis for creation of every fine relationship sir' a husky sexy voice replied.
'Cheers!!! Salute to the freedom we have' Prabhakar drank half of the long glass, let out a loud, wide-mouthed sigh of pleasure and then drank the rest. He laughed out loud again while taking 5 more beer bottles into his mouth. It was a peculiarly high-pitched laugh, harsh and almost hysterical. He slapped me hard on the back, spilling a little of his next drink. He came close to my ear with inch between his mouth and my ear.. 'Ha.. you know bhaskar.. I know you and your eyes.. she is beautiful man she really is!!! That bloody sudheer is lucky guy naaa haaaa' giving sweet sounds with that haaa. I admitted that he read what is there in my mind. But what i am doing? The first rule of the mind every where is never let any one know what you're thinking. But prabhakar's corollary to this rule was 'always know what others think'. I certainly admire his great personality. But, i do not like his ideas when he drinks and looses senses.
'Keep cool dude.. get marry as soon as possible. you will change from this perversion' i put my hand on his left arm to make him clam.
'what buddy.. did i suggest that we do some thing crazy now...why are you putting that special tag to me.. i do watch stupid movie just for 1 scene because i like them that way.i just said She is damn sexy man.. nothing else. Now, you get control... control buddy' his voice is not controllable now. He is rubbing my hands hard. Govind is also laughing with him 'Yes sirr.. she is really sexy in that white wet dress'. I dont know if the couple are listening to these people cheap dailogues.
'Okay okay.. i agree... so what are the plans in office for tomorrow?' i want to change the topic.
'hey buddy.. dont change the topic now' he read my mind second time 'just tell us buddy she is sexy.. i think you haven't seen her properly'
'okay dude!.. you drank too much.. we should leave now before its getting late' i glared over them.
'I don't care buddy..First tell me she is sexy then i promise to leave.. why don't you tell that simple word man?'
'yes man.. she is sexy. come on lets leave.. its getting darker outside. This rain never ends in this season' i stood up from the chair moving it back. I have decided to close this topic here. I dont know what these guys do at this drunken crazy state.
I hit the door slowly with index finger on their door. 'Is rain stopped brother?' sudhir came out of the door with that gentle smile. 'No No.. we are leaving now.. If you want, i will leave at bus stand. It may not be safe here staying alone here' i said. He looked back towards prerana naughtily. He went inside room and came back.'No brother, we wont get bus at this time.. Its very dark also and any way, i need to come back tomorrow again for my bike.. rather than that we will stay here tonight and get my bike right ..we will leave tomorrow morning, if it is not a problem for you' I understood his meaning and want to get these guys out as soon as possible.
'Okay sudhir.. make sure you locked the door while you are leaving.Its automatic' i noted down his bike number on my note-book for safety.
'Come on prabhakar!.. lets leave'
'haaa.. this guyyy' prabahakar sighed loud while leaving the room.
'Thanks guys' sudhir went inside. We reached our cars. I stood until prabhakar started his car and govind sat in his near seat. Then i started my car.
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'We are alone.. So what is the plan pre-ra-naaaa' Sudhir pushed his sweet heart slowly on to the bed.
'A drink.. i dont want to forget this night. You should make it unforgettable night in my whole life' said prerana while kissing on his cheeks..
'wow.. you are too much for me maam' bowed sudhir. He came towards fridge in the front room.. An unforeseen beast inside me whom even i do not know just standing behind him in that dark gloomy light of hall. I am not able to recognize what i am doing with the beer bottle in my hand. My mind is not under control. All prabhakar and govind comments increased my heart beats and exitement.
He opened the fridge door to glance at my cat-blue eyes. He collapsed at the next moment when the beet bottle in my hand hit his head straight away. Beast inside me entered in to the bed room. Pre-ra-naaa looked horrified first time looking me in the bed room at that time. 'Sudhir ..' her voice stopped seeing the blood in my hands. Recognizing what i have done, she is praying me 'please brother leave me' putting her hands towards my deserted drunken mind with innocence.All her face cells are contravening towards the centre of her nose in that cry. But, beast not under control.
'You bitch!! Haven't you listened to my brother words earlier...your hubby' i forgotten what civilization teached me in my own words in the past 34 years.
And it closed my eyes finally..
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Right now... Ending the event..
I started writing a note 'It took me a 34 years long time and most of the world, to learn what i know about the good and bad and the choices make, but the worst of it came to me in an impulse, while...'
'A single word - can kill hundreds of solidiers
A single word - can make thousands stand and
shout
A single mistake - can make a man into gandhi
A single mistake - can make a man into a beast..
'
Its always the choice you take at the end.The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing that you will make one. Commiting no mistake is best thing in this world' I ended the note thinking at least some other person will learn from this momentary impulse which costed lives of two lovers and a 'cute' family.
'What is mistake?' my mind asked. At Last, My heart went into a long silence........
My note is flying in the air curling and swinging in the fresh evening breeze and reached the place where my little anand played foot ball laughing with nivedita. my dead body still can smell thier beautiful sweet smiles.
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